Life in student halls & accommodation - what not to do

There are a few do's and don't, and a couple of maybes when you're living in halls. Here we sum them up for you.

• Don't: Soho strip clubs, never-ever-ever go to them. EVER!
  
  
• Maybe: All day and night and the next day and so on drinking sessions.
  This is a touchy subject really, all day drinking sessions are good but sometimes they can go on for too long. After one 3 or 4 day none stop drinking session a friend of mine found himself sprawled naked and semi conscious outside a local residents house, at 8.30 in the morning.
  
  The resident of course phoned the local constabulary when faced with the threat of a flaccid penis and as they arrived who should be walking past to join in the fun, none other than our very own warden! This stunt resulted in a day in the cells, a night in the warden’s office and an order to seek help for alcohol problems, which according to our warden was had by everyone who didn’t think that drinking was a mortal sin.
  
  
• Don't: Bringing random objects back to halls.
  By objects I don’t mean ugly girls, although this too is a don’t, I mean things like road signs, traffic lights and trees.
  
  Yes that’s a right entire tree. A Mr Alex Porte and a Mr James Yates where each fined the hefty sum of £80 for bringing unlicensed foliage into the halls of residence, have I mentioned what a complete gimp my warden was last year? Luckily for us the traffic lights where never found.
  
  
• Don't: Again along the same lines of bringing random objects back to halls is stealing shopping trolleys from supermarkets
  ... whether they are going to be used to do your Johnny Knoxville impression or whether you genuinely need them to carry all your beer back. My halls of residence were conveniently located near a 24 hour Sainsburys.
  
  A fond past time of ours was to go there at silly times perve at the random sexy ladies that always seemed to be there, by a minimal amount of food, usually doughnuts, and then be so lazy that we actually steal a trolley to help with the task of transporting these Doughnuts back to the kitchen.
  
  Now on one untimely incident we were met back at halls by the gimp a.k.a the Warden, who was out at his balcony at the time, I can only presume he was trying to look for old men changing with their curtains open. Once we saw the offending prick we ran as fast as we could trolley in hand.
  
  Once we had turned a corner we let the trolley go and continued to run. Apparently, and no conclusive evidence was ever found to prove that it was us, a very similar sainsburys trolley was found up against a Porsche 911 leaving a nice big dent in the side. That little escapade also left a nice big dent in my wallet.
  
  
• Don't: Don’t ever wear underpants that show above your trousers.
  This was a lesson learnt the hard way when a Mr Bhattercharjee found him self going commando after a drinking partner give him an atomic wedgie of cartoon proportions. Before he could say skid marks his underpants had ripped in two and where being thrown from one screaming girl to another and the dance floor.
  
  The fool was so drunk he actually denied that they were his pants and that he in fact still had his on. He later disproved himself when the other half of the evidence fell out the bottom of his trouser leg whilst climbing the stairs.
  
  
• Don't: Under no circumstances leave any property unlocked in a student shared flat over the holidays.
  
  This next tale occurred in the deepest depths of Liverpool, admittedly some may argue that property is never safe there whether it be locked up or not. Anyway it was over the Christmas holidays and I had just got back from London for the first time since I left and I hadn’t seen my friends from home in 3 months so I went down to their humble aboad or as it is commonly known by the surrounding area, the student hell pit.
  
  As I arrived one of my friends was so overjoyed at the sight of me that he smashed guitar into small pieces against the floor, luckily it wasn’t his, although the owner was a tenant of the flat. As the night went on and the soberness disappeared several other things were sacrificed to the god of party, who incidentally is Andrew WK for those not aware.
  
  Sacrificial items included a dart board, darts, CD player, walls, doors, toilets, cages (don’t ask), bottles, phones, light switches and of course fire extinguishers. By the end of the night it be would suffice to say that the flat was like no mans land and a LARGE fine was soon to be imposed. The part I liked most was spraying the foam fire extinguisher through the keyhole of an arsehole flat mate giving her room a nice Christmassy effect, and it vexed her off to say the least. Serves you right you hormonally enraged psycho.

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